Blog on America!

I want to set the record straight.  I am proud to be an American.

I didn't used to be though.. and I'd like to explain a little bit as to why...

I'm not a fan of the mentality that we are the 'greatest nation on earth'... I simply cannot get behind that notion.  I don't sense a feeling of superiority... or greatness over other nations... And honestly this is why I used to be more anti-America.  It was in sheer response to the overwhelming sense of superpatriotism I felt about we have about ourselves.

Here's my hang up though.  I'm proud to be an American as long as it doesn't interfere with my identity as a WORLD CITIZEN.  As a child of God.  Newsflash America... God doesn't care more about us than he does anyone else.  For some of you that's old news.  For some... its a newsflash... or heresy.. however you take it.

I was being told a story the other day about how a church was doing some exercise with the American flag.. and afterward the Pastor just dropped the flag on the ground.  Clearly a sign of disrespect considering the emphasis we have put on it as a symbol over the years.  And there was a sort of audible gasp amongst the crowd.  In particular, there was a man in front of my friends who they surmised had served in some branch of the military during a part of his life.  And there was a clear and overt anger permeating through the congregation.

Sure.  That's fine.  Disrespect is disrespect.

However, when people get more upset about symbolism than actual atrocities in the world... I'm moved to anger myself.  We shouldn't be allowed to be more upset about our flag touching the ground than genocide overseas.  Or sex slave trade.  Or exploitation of workers in the name of corporate greed.

If we don't get our priorities in check.. we're going to continue getting mad about the wrong things... and the things that really really matter... won't ever change.

Because it's easy to get upset about something that the only thing we can do is complain about.  It's much harder to get upset about something that we might actually have to stop and help with.

Come on America, I'd  be much prouder to be a part of you if you were less concerned with your status... and more concerned with sustainable world welfare.

(Not every American is like this.  I'm just pointing out a continued shortcoming in our quest toward greatness)

Going up.

Spent the last few days in Atlanta.  You forget how big Chicago is until you leave it for another "big" US city.  A couple things happened... I made some new friends (which is super easy btw...) and learned a lot. I was down there for the National Youth Workers Conference.  Which makes my job seem a lot more official than it seems at times.  I mean honestly... I teach and play with middle and high school students all week.

However, I have come back with greater wisdom... to follow as points.

1.  If I'm going to be effective teaching, I have to create a need first for the material.

2.  I must work on creating a 'safer' place for students to come be themselves.  Which includes monitoring behavior and/or statements from other students that may be destructive.

3.  I must attack lessons sensually.  That was the actual word used.  But used to mean that students are sensory.  And need to touch something, hear something, see something, perhaps smell something for it to better sink in.

4.  Even though online communities are growing, there is still a need to feel connected in a way that the web can never full fill.  (Someone argued that youth ministry was probably turning more towards online communities that would eventually take the place of church gatherings and congregating together in one location)... I politely disagreed.

5.  I need to stop towing the line between how much my students like me... and challenging them to be better.  I've been compromising my normal teaching style in order for the students to like me more.  And I have to stop if I'm ever going to demand betterment and growth from them.

6.  I need to do a better job at visioning youth.  Meaning I need to be more observant to notice something in each of them that they don't yet notice about themselves.  A strength and a calling perhaps.  I also need to hone in on their weaknesses so I know where to help.

7.  Stop serving pizza.

So that's what I learned.  Now for a list of specific things I'm going to start doing...

a.  Mandatory Cell-phone basket.  No more texting during gatherings

b.  Advice cookie moment of wisdom at the end of every lesson.

c.  Not be ashamed to ask for volunteer help.

d.  Calendar farther in advance.

e.  Get the sunday school class active before each lesson.

f.  Start doing video announcements on Facebook.


And other things will come with time.  However, I'm going to try not to feel pressured to implement all of this at once.  Rather take my time and introduce changes as needed.  I need to give myself time to develop relationships with my students before I expect them to get on board with me.  So that looks a lot less like MORE programming, and a lot more like MORE conversation and authenticity.

Peace out, A-town down.

This blog got away from me

Whom do you honor?  It's a question decorating the board at Caribou here in Lville.

Hmm.  Do we even live in a culture of honor?  Can you define honor?  Can you define what it means to you?

To me... before I look up its official definition... (and trust me on this.. no peeking I swear!)  I would have to lift up the following thoughts:

To hold in high esteem.
To appreciate.
To feel blessed to be in the presence of.
To treat with respect.

You know who I hear have a pretty good culture of honor?  The Japanese... Perhaps I'll go learn a lesson and report back my findings.

.......

Here's what I have found so far... people like me (sociologists) have contrasted cultures of honor with cultures of law.  Interesting.

Cultures of law and cultures of honor are different.  Which are we?

We most definitely live in a culture of law.  There is a system set up in which society can enact and enforce laws on people.  Resulting in punishment for breaking those laws.  The law creates the fear.  Societies of honor occur more among nomadic tribes (this is kind of being flushing out) in which people carry their valuables with them - making them vulnerable to theft. In societies like this... people themselves must provoke the fear disproportionate revenge in order to more greatly ensure the safety of their possessions.

Either way... we have a theme here.

Societies live in fear of punishment.  It's so assumed that the only way to control people is by the use of fear.  Is this the stage of moral development we're still lingering in...

Kohlberg is rolling over in his grave.

Would we really fall apart if the strong arm of the law wasn't breathing down our necks? And how sad if that's true.

Will humanity ever evolve out of our pre-conventional habituation?

hmm.

Milwaukee

I can't help but believe that people don't want to be angry.  That no single person in their right mind walks around thinking about how their easy-going quota has surely been met for day... And hoping and waiting for when their next anger episode will all but consume them.

Like most things I say, perhaps this is not a great shock to anyone.  But the big thing about it is... is that it has everything to do with how we respond to anger.

And it leads us to ask then... what does anger stem from?  Why is it so prevalent and what can we do to eradicate it.

To some anger is a simple feeling centered around not getting what they want.  Which leads me to wonder, well what do they think is fair?  Is what they wanted fair?  But that leads me to ask... well whose life is fair that they look at feel the need to expect this fairness?  And then... who are they angry at?  The world?  Themselves?  The withholder of their fairness?

Because we tend to all too often discount anger and simplify it.  And when we simplify it... we assume the answer and solution to it must be easy.  And when we assume that... we in turn get frustrated and angry at angry people for being so angry because it's "of course" so easy to turn it around.

But remember, nobody wants to be angry.  It's a response to something.  A defense for something.  To protect.  Because it cannot feel all that good to be so angry.

An advice.

If you're reading this.. Please, please listen carefully.

Men... she's just a woman.

Women... he's just a man.


You can't outsource the pressure to make your problems go away to another.

Two points for reincarnation

In a way its a major bummer we only get one go-around at life. There are so many choices to make that lead you to certain people.. and we sacrifice so much for so much else. It's quite unsavory we can't get to experience all of it.

As the hypothetical game goes... we think it would be awful if we never got to experience the most meaningful part of our own actual life.

But if we're going to play that game. We have to play it both ways. Guaranteed we would think the same thing about an alternative we would have hypothetically chosen. And likewise would have no alternative experience with which to gauge it.

Herein lies this bummer's inherent blessing. We only get one chance to do all of this. So our choices mean something. So do as much as you can. And we'll never get to know if there could have been something better out there... which is a good thing. Because if we did know it and it wasn't.... we would spend so much time wishing things were some other way.

What a tragedy that would be........

People never being happy with what they have. Can you imagine? What would become of us hypothetical romantics? We might miss out on living a life while wishing for one we would never even know.

But here again we are presented with the problem that only getting to live one life and choose one experience brings.

Wonder.

If I feel like I'm talking in circles. It's because I am. And not to any fault of my own. But the fault of everyone.

The problem isn't the circular nature of the hypothetical game. The problem is trying to play it.

While fun.. it can be dangerous.

But still... how would things be different if ________?

Chutes and ladders

I experience heaven and hell everyday. I see it on the faces of people. In my own life. Flying down the street.

So much good and so much bad exist here in the same place everyday.

Causes me to rethink the entire thing.

To me, we choose heaven or hell in every choice we make. We choose to join closer with love or to become more reclusive from it.

Watched the republican tea party debate tonight... (laugh line break)

So tired of people throwing jargon around to gain power and pretend to be interested in people. Nobody ever says "hey things are complicated... and we'll try and probably fail and then work harder to try and make things better for the people"

Everyone's out to toot their own horn or to be a hero and save humanity from its habituations and narcissism. All the while making sure to tow party lines.

It's not a new thing... except year after year the same shit. revolving. in circles. neverending.

Why cant more people just choose heaven? But would we even want heaven all the time?

Can we really appreciate heaven if we've never seen hell? Can we? Can we at all? Can we abide in love forever and have that be what we really want? Don't we need hell to appreciate heaven? And if this is the case... will we ever be able to escape the hell we dread completely?

I cannot for the life of me figure out the answer to this question. I don't even know how to think about it? Because all I've ever known is both.

Everything in me wants to say no. We don't need hell to appreciate and enjoy heaven.

But everyday, every minute people assume that there is one particular thing out there that would fulfill them if they could just attain it, and come to find out when they get it.... it doesn't. At all. It leaves them lacking again and wanting something else. Is heaven like this? Can heaven ultimately fulfill?

And it tempts me to say... forget it. I'm going to stop thinking about it and just try to enjoy my life. Who needs to think about this stuff anyway? But I don't want to be THAT person. That person who never thinks deeply about things. Who never pines for answers to abstract questions. Who never struggles and wrestles issues to the ground.

But I'm so tired.

Oh, happiness!

Anticipation anticipation!! Fall is nearing and September is the most incredible transition month of the year for me. All sunlight is golden and all days are moderate and beg you to spend time in the grass.

And a wedding! And visiting friends! And looking forward to new ones. It's all anticipation for me this month. I somehow cannot wait for fall, but I don't want September to end.

I'm actually excited for fall based on little more than my memories of it. I know what joy fall has brought me in the past.. and so naturally I figure it will be the same this year.

Dangerous thinking.

And I'm trying very hard not to live weekend to weekend. It's rough when your mind is consumed with the possibility that the best years of your life are behind you. You begin living from memories and reaching out to people who you remember from those days... just to rekindle the connection to get that feeling back.

Never have figured out why moving on is so hard. And why change always seems so exciting and then ends up daunting... and then levels out into growth and wisdom. And why even though I understand this process.. I still entertain silly ideas about my new environment/situation.

Will I ever be that happy again?

And as that thought circumvents my mind... I'm sitting in a beautiful day with a beautiful breeze on a beautiful porch in a beautiful community filled with beautiful people with a meaningful job that brings adequate money surrounded by some of my favorite things to do.

And I'd say on a given day I take in only about 50% as much beauty as I used to.

.....we always joked about moving to the same location or buying a vacation house to reunite regularly.... and that always seemed like one of those dreams we'd never do anything about...

Until now.

but I know me... and I'll never settle for complacency.

Try putting this on a billboard

I do not have a sexy faith.

It sounds weird, heavens I know it sounds weird.

But come on. Lots of people out there have sexy faiths.

Not me. I don’t have a faith that says we are elbow deep in spiritual warfare and need to be ready to defend ourselves from demons at a moments notice with scripture and the right things to say.

I don’t have a faith that aims to save people’s souls from eternal damnation with an urgency that's so intense it hurls me into the fight.

I don’t have a faith that says we have to sell everything to the poor and go live in Africa building wells and educating people vowed to a life of poverty and selfless service.

I don’t have a faith that suggests that by accepting Jesus and turning your life over to him you will be blessed with more material wealth in this life and that the sun will shine upon you daily.

But rather, I am a man who says “hey, go do the best you can do everyday and there is grace for you and me when we mess up even if you don’t see it.”

I say stuff like, “life is complicated” and “it’s not just black and white” and “yeah, the Bible is a contextual document that is hard to discern for our own life application sometimes”

I am for all intents and purposes a social interactionist Christian. Social Interactionism is a sociological term. One that says that the stuff that matters and why we are the way we are is because of our daily interactions with individuals.

I don’t have some grand theory that explains all of life. I don’t scare people into faith. I don’t promise immediate fulfillment upon accepting Jesus. I don’t even dictate to people that Jesus is the only way necessarily to earn your salvation.

I mean don’t get me wrong. I’m not wishy washy. And I have my convictions.

But it’s not innately attractive in modern culture. It’s small scale. It’s grass roots. It takes time. It’s complicated. It’s level headed. It’s accepting. It’s forgiving.

It’s just not sexy.

....but I like it.

The problem being in youth ministry... is that this kind of faith is not inherently attractive. It doesn't sell well. If you get people to believe they're in spiritual warfare... or if you get them to believe if they follow Jesus they'll be blessed with more... you've got a compelling case on your hands. If you really get kids scared of hell. You can get them through those doors. But I'm not about to sell out just to sell 'it'.

I'm grass roots... and organic... and all those new trendy hipster terms that are just reiterations of the significance of really knowing and relationally connecting with other human beings. And that'll win out. Eventually. That kind of stuff takes time.

I am number four

Sometimes you fail. And that should be okay...

Right?

Dear Adeline

Everything is gonna be fine, fine, fine. There's gonna be a lot of judgments being made, but its okay because sometimes everyone's afraid... and all the money in the world will never save you if the people who surround you can't make time...

Sk6ers.

This is what happens

Imma just sit and write for a few.

Unrequited love sucks.

Movies will never make you feel good about your own life

Dark streets are both lonely and intriguing

I try too hard sometimes to write blogs that mean something. I need to just spend more time writing for me. For the sake of writing. Because good things come when you’re just trying to be real. And not when you’re trying too hard.

Congratulations to all those out there who just got married. I hope the best things for each and every one of you. I don’t know how you did it. But you latched onto something that worked and I pray you always remember why it worked.

Getting lost in work is easy I’ve found. And it’s a little odd because work is never something I took very seriously until now. But it sure is easy to distract yourself from everything you love with the things that you need to get done.

I’m a little tips tonight and I’m not ashamed of it. It makes me more cognizant of everything that’s going on. And honestly, attacking alcohol as an enemy is sheer ignorance. The only enemy in the matter is myself, or yourself anyway.

I hate how people shift blame onto things that they don’t want to take responsibility for. My favorite one is “society”

Hah. Like society is any different from you and me. Each and every person dictates exactly what society says and wants. Society is nothing more than a net sum of everything that everybody wants.

Society wouldn’t push stuff on you if you really didn’t want that stuff to begin with. It reacts in response to your own desires, dreams, idealisms, and wishes.

Maybe you see differently than the majority. But stop acting like society is this random third party entity that manipulates and distracts us from the things that are really important. Because all “society” seeks to do… is to sell to us exactly what we tell it we want.

As a collective. And honestly, yeah. We are a collective forever and always. You can’t escape it. We are forever individuals but caught in a collective we often don’t agree with or commend.

So speak your mind… otherwise you get lost in it. You become a silent part of the whole and then complain about how it swallows you up. Convince people to be on your side. Convince other’s that what you believe is right and true.

Because a lot of people are never really that cognizant of what is going on. They assume they’re victims in a circle they can’t escape. When they don’t realize they’re the answer they’ve been looking for.

It takes work and courage… but honestly, you helped yourself get into this mess. We all have. We are society. We are the thing we’re fighting.

That is a core spiritual truth too.

We are the very thing we’re fighting.

It's hardly ever what you think

“You didn’t think joy could change a person, did you? Joy is what you feel when conflict is over. But it’s conflict that changes a person.”

I realize most people don’t want to change. Or want to have to think about changing. Because it’s hard. And most people want to just sink into a comfortable life. Truth is… change is inevitable, even in the individual. Your whole life you will never stop growing. You will never stop changing. And you will never stop fighting it.

Furthermore, everybody needs changing. If you floated through life all the while being a static character… your life would be relentlessly boring.

Change is good.

Ergot conflict is good.

Joy, also good.

I think the quote breaks down when it isolates joy as the feeling whence conflict culminates. Joy can be an ever-present mental state that transcends situations. You can endure conflict all the while with the joy that it is having profoundly positive effects on you.

And people try and ditch conflict and go looking for an easier story assuming that easier means better. And even if not, that easier is better than better.

I’m almost done with this book “ A Million Miles in a Thousand Years”, and it’s all about story. Every person plays a character in the story they’re living and is shaped and molded by their story. If you don’t like the person you are, sometimes the answer is as simple as changing the story. However hard that may be. Maybe you need somebody else to throw you into another story. People will come along and so will opportunities. Be ready to make them count.

Hence the name of this blog

Why do we tend to think of evil as something people get away with? Like it has inherently established rewards, but evil only has negative consequences when it’s caught or external justice is brought.

This is a murky perception.

Does evil not have inherently bad consequences too? Just because someone gains material reward or success through unchecked evil… does that mean they get away with something? Like doing evil has benefited them?!

Is an evil heart a lucky one if it never gets caught? Is an evil heart privileged in any way by the evil it pursues?

We lose sight of the fact that the one thing that matters most throughout all of life is our hearts. Our hearts is where our joy and grief come from. Our hearts are what are healthy or troubled. Our hearts dictate our happiness.

I use the term heart here as that emotional response of the brain. (No I don’t actually believe our physical heart is where love is stored)

And if love is based in freedom and choice... And if God has given us freedom to choose to love him because that’s what love really is... And if we choose to love him we connect our hearts more with him... And when our hearts are connected more to him we find greater joy, peace, and strength and love…. Don’t we believe that God is the source of joy and love? And that love and joy are the only way to live a fulfilling life?

Then wouldn’t the opposite be true?

If God has given us the freedom to choose him he’s also given us the freedom to not choose him… Wouldn’t then when we choose evil we abandon God? Wouldn’t when we abandon God our hearts suffer from the separation? Wouldn’t that suffering evoke all sorts of emotions that would inherently discipline the evil we choose? Like paranoia? Fear? Anger? Jealousy? Dissatisfaction? Lust? And if we believe that God is the source of joy and love... wouldn’t when we not choose him we miss out on joy and love? Which we believe is the only fulfilling way to live a life?

How is that not punishment for evil?

Sure people don’t always realize they’re being punished. And so it may not feel like a punishment until they realize what’s happening to them.

But anybody who has slept easy at night or feels their hearts welling up with compassion or wants nothing more because they are completely satisfied with what they have knows that there is no other way to truly live.

The gift of life is in doing good and choosing God. And guess what…. We don’t realize that as a reward in itself all the time either. Because we see other people do evil and then demand external justice because we feel like they got away with something better. Like external and material rewards are the most important part of life! It seems we actually believe that!

It takes work to do good. And people don’t like to do work and not see benefits and rewards. But damnit look around and realize the rewards that are implicit in the hard work it takes to do good to begin with.

Nobody gets away with evil.

Huck Finn on wheels

I left my house today pretty unsure of where I was going. But I had a bicycle, a full water bottle, two pouches of cinnamon applesauce in my stomach and a pocket full of dreams. So naturally, I was ready for anything. I headed south and then eventually too far south. But managed to weave my way through a bunch of unknown roads to where I was I wanting to be. A map would have been handy but it would have squandered my exploration and intuition.

I love exploring.

So after a quick coffee (always a poor choice while riding a bicycle) and a rather thick piece of zucchini walnut bread I headed for home.. only to notice the sky and wind turning on me. Today was one of those days where I had head winds both ways. And that's irritating. To say the least. But something comes over someone who is in a race against the weather.

People turn into freaks. Without the motivation to get home before drenched there is no way I ever would have been able to push as fast as I did against that wind.

I thought I was going to make it. The clouds kept coming but I kept getting closer with not a drop on my shoulder.

And there it is... I am 29 miles into my 32 mile loop and the rain begins. Hard rain. Winds gusting at 50 mph in my face. But luckily for me a haven awaiteth. I got to wait out the storm under the interstate with my new friend Dave. Incidentally.. I have been meeting an inordinate amount of Dave's recently.

I wish I had been keeping a log my whole life of those times you get exactly what you need exactly when you need it even if its not what you expected to need. I feel like that kind of stuff happens a lot. I was expecting to get home and beat the storm. But what I got was 100,000 pounds of cement stretching over me keeping me dry.

Who's to say how much divine intervention is at play in our lives... but we can give it as much credit as we care to.

I think life a lot of the time is about believing whatever gets you through it. I guess I just prefer a life that believes that God does sometimes figure out a way to show you exactly what you need exactly when you need it.

Even if it's not what you were expecting.

I have more to say about this.. but perhaps another day.

It's all a figurative mess!

Sitting enclosed in a windowed corner of my new coffee place. The sky has turned on us again.. and rain is sheeting and settling the dust.

Coming from a Christian perspective.. I like the idea that we are made from the dust of the earth. It helps me visualize something as typical and simple as rain as a settling agent and control to our wild uprisings. Its a beautiful interpretation that suggests that while we are worldly and wildly unpredictable and sometimes annoying, there is something above us that comes down to settle us. Until all is still again.

It's a beautiful rain today. I'm in love with life and all its unfolding story. I am going to center myself this year around two distinct but intersecting themes: Create and Story. Taking a deep look into what I was created for, helping others see what they were created for, and understanding that being created for it doesn't mean anything unless we choose to live it.

I'm obsessed with the idea of abundant life. But I still don't live like I am. That's why I say I'm obsessed with its idea...

Started chatting up to random women yesterday though. I mean, they probably don't consider themselves as random.. but I had never met either of them before and until that moment had not one passing thought of their existence. Anyways... I never do that sort of thing. And that's always bothered me...

But it's like.. what if I'm awkward? What if I run out of things to say? What if they hate me intrinsically? Ya know, all the basic rational fears a person has when thinking about whether or not to engage in a new relationship.

Turns out they were lovely. Imagine that.

Trying to cut some slack

I admire the type of person who can handle stress. I have always appreciated those who have so many aspirations that they cram activities into every minute of every day.

I do question their motives... and I wonder at their emotional happiness. But people generally seem to be happy with their frantic lives. As if to say... they wouldn't know what to do with spare time.

That's always been a fascinating line to me too. But here's a thing...

I've never been that way. And I don't really know why, and I haven't been able to accurately articulate it besides telling people that I enjoy my free time. Which I do - but I am proud to say I now have a reason that hopefully transcends the former:

I never want to be so consumed in my own life that I can't care about other peoples' lives. And not that I don't want to care about others' lives.. but that I wouldn't be able to. That I literally couldn't.

And it may seem like a stretch to say that busy people can't care about other people's lives... but I honestly think that's the case sometimes. Because always somewhere in the back of their minds they are consumed with all they have to get done and do next and be about and make sure not to miss. How can you possibly push past all that to engage someone else fully?

I never. ever. want to be like that. And I see myself get like that when I'm at church running from the youth room to practice music and back again to the copier because I forgot about the bassist. I zoom by people. Even people I do care about - but when I'm busy I literally cannot care in that moment. It would have to take a conscious effort.

And this is narcissism at it's finest. But not because people are bad or selfish. But because they just can't not be.

I love ellipses ...

I know I run the risk of turning this blog into a complete breakdown on social neuroscience.. and that is precisely what this post is going to be about. Let's take a look at a dichotomy!

Yay!

For simplicity's sake I'm not going to go into detail about this widely researched conundrum... but we humans have two basic selves in a certain sense. We have that self that experiences, and we have that self that remembers. And these two selves have very different reports on those experiences themselves.

And so, we remember experiences we have differently than we actually feel during those experiences. One major reason for this is that the brain cannot possibly store all the emotions from an event so thus we only remember a significantly tiny bit of our experiences (e.g. key moments, vernacular description, and endings). Another interesting result of this dichotomy is that we end up making decisions about our future based on our remembering selves - which acts based on a severely limited amount of stored information.

Seems odd. Doesn't it?

So all that background is to get to the beef of this post. What is more important? Our remembering selves or our experiencing selves? Which one do we focus on feeding more? Because our experiencing selves tell us all how happy or dissatisfied we are in the moment... (which is all we really have right?) but our remembering selves tell us everything we need to know about how happy we are with our lives thus far (which is often how we interpret how happy we have been as people when our days are few). And the correlation between the two is low.

I reference a previous post on conflict to illustrate this discrepancy. Conflict makes for a better story in our lives - but during it.. we feel less happy than we do when all is well. So it seems that our interpretation on our lives is not so much a sum of our experiences. For if that were true.. you would see people who had a greater number of happy experiences rate their lives as happier and more meaningful. But so often people who go through conflict that ends well report more meaningful lives and more reported happiness as a result. Because so much of what matters to our remembering selves is how things end and not necessarily the emotions during.

So is there a way to maximize both experiential and memory satisfaction? If not.. which one is more important? Or... does worrying about it do nothing but rob us of experiences in the first place? Or will not worrying about it cause us to make ill-advised decisions about our futures?

I do not have an answer yet dear reader(s). But check back soon...

Someone stole my bicycle.

I am not an anomaly. I'm aware of this. And especially not when it comes to being a victim of theft. People have been stealing stuff from each other ever since other people started having stuff.

Stealing is wrong.* Why?

I want to let my reader(s) in on a fundamental secret of life:

..................................................................

You are not the only person who exists.

And no, I'm actually serious. That is a secret to most people. Not a fun kind of secret to share at slumber parties... but the kind that all of a sudden hits you one day... And that day has come.

Want an example? Sure you do. Question: How many times do you get upset at being stuck at a red light when you're running late for something? Answer: Often. Second question: How many times are you excited and happy for those for whom the light turns green at your misfortune? Answer: umm.. what do you mean?

Exactly.

We tend to think our own story is the only one being told and everyone else is just a bunch of characters in "my story"

We all label people as: my wife, my captain, my professor, my shrink, my pimp, my defense attorney, etc... Everyone else plays a role in "my life" you see? Most of the time we only ever really care about other peoples' happiness if it doesn't come at the expense of our own. Which often it does.

Learn to see the bigger picture. And you'll feel less entitled. And when you feel less entitled, you'll be much happier much more often.

* Hoping to change a lot of lives with this post.

Oh melancholy day

Lots of things are happening. I get the privilege and honor really to play for a wedding rehearsal today and the ceremony tomorrow. One of my friends has decided to spend their life with someone, and apparently they both know without a shadow of a doubt that this is the right move. Except I don't really believe in a "without a shadow of a doubt" mentality. At some point however, people decide to push through the doubts they have. It has less to do with knowing, and more to do with deciding. I'm beginning to feel I'm real bad at the relationship game. I can't seem to hold one together or keep one happy and well nurtured. Heard an interesting quote the other day by a speaker who was talking about Marriage and relationships and he was addressing the often made assumption that the grass is greener on the other side... somewhere... there is greener grass. And he went on to say that green is not an irrefutable constant grass property. Not all grass is green, and that greenness is nothing more than potential. But you have to water it. You have to nurture it and treat it right. So instead of wasting your time going on green grass hunts, take that time to water the lawn you have. Because odds are.. you're gonna go screw that grass up over there too once you get there.

I don't know much about lawn care. But I know he's right.

I met a woman yesterday. And I say met even though I've known this woman my whole life. But I saw her for the first time as an adult - capable of adult conversations and adult meaning and insight. I asked her about her marriage and watched her eyes sink and she laughed away at how awful things were. I watched her throw up whatever defense she had to keep herself from breaking down in complete shame and vulnerability. She started talking about all the red flags she saw going into the marriage... and even though hindsight is 20/20, present vision is sometimes just as good. But we trick ourselves into thinking things will change.

I heard later that her husband had just slept with someone else he met on the internet. And not only that but told his wife by saying, "yeah you probably need to go get tested for such and such STD's." Heard about how he has a temper that could tame a lion. Heard about how he told her if she divorced him there was no way he was supporting those kids. They have 5. The youngest is starting 1st grade. And what is a woman to do who is a full-time mother? How the hell do you nurture that god-awful grass? This grass maintenance has to be a team effort it's too much to tend to by yourself. And it makes me fucking sick how much people get walked on in life. And why it's not fair that every heart wrenching moment I encounter will lead me to be a better parent and husband. Because it's not fair. It's not fair for her that some people can't learn from others' mistakes. That some people we get involved with will be nothing but self-serving and scared awful excuses for humanity. It's not fair that my kids will have a father whose life will no longer be about himself but rather entrenched in enriching their lives.

And yet... I continue to struggle with humility today. And I've become less humble in the past year because I keep seeing other people who aren't willing to change or take a good hard look at their own flaws. And I think... "hell, if they aren't willing to, then why on earth should I be the bigger man?" It's so hard to keep that up. And that's not okay.

It's not a happy day. But it is for someone... and maybe that'll help.

Dinner and a Movie

For as little as most people (and by most people I mean me and an unfair projection) actually get accomplished in a day... it's amazing how much can change in such an ordinarily insignificant amount of time.

"If you watched a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo and worked for years to get it, you wouldn't cry at the end when he drove off the lot, testing the windshield wipers."

You wouldn't tell your friends to go see that movie. In fact I'm not entirely sure what would have possessed me to see that movie to begin with. The funny point that my boy Donald Miller goes on to make here is that while no one is inspired by such a 'story', people spend most of their lives living stories like this. This is the mundane life we're living. And for the most part it feels fine... and comfortable. And it ruins my day to think that at the end of my life the most prized story of my life I might be able to share will be a movie that nobody cares to see.

The essence here is story. And what draws people to story? two things: dreams and conflict. Without a dream the story has no premise and hence has nowhere to go. Without conflict, the story is boring.

But who sits around and dreams up a life that is filled with conflict for the sake of the story? I'll leave myself some wiggle room and say that 1 person does that. Not sure who the guy is... but he'll probably live a more interesting life than me. See we don't embrace conflict in our lives as anything but an annoyance. But that conflict makes our lives. It helps make our stories worth telling. Because a comfortable life is hardly the work of a poet. It's more like the work I produced in 4th grade as I was being taught the structure of a paragraph.

The age old adage that proclaims, "nothing worth having in life comes easy" may not be true... That shiny Volvo my parents bought me may serve as a great source of joy and functionality and safety for that matter (after all it is a volvo) ...but the ease with which it came will kill the story.

So... it's time to go stir up some trouble. But I'll tell you about it later.

Fairy tales

I am a fighter. I'm not gon' give up. Oh wait.. that's survivor... psh. the lyrics still fit. Thanks Beyonce. By the way - you were better before you went solo.

This post is not about Beyonce. Sorry reader(s).

Life is not a formula. There is no number you can plug in for x and it automatically leads you to a reliable y. It might never just work out the way its 'supposed to'. And being frustrated with that will only leave you frustrated. You have to deal with whatever situation is at hand for what it is. Spending time wishing it was something else will never make it so. So you can ditch it... or if its worth it, face whatever messed up thing you've gotten yourself into, and make something beautiful out of it.

The only real question is... is it worth it?

John locke was a mediocre philosopher

People love chapters. When reading a book, people have a goal - to finish it. Simple. But in each book each chapter is a goal in of itself. It's a stopping point. A place to sit back relax for minute and reflect on what the hell just happened. It's interesting to me that this metaphor gets carried into the life of most every person. We label our life in chapters. Kid, adolescent, high school, college, adult, parent, old, older... It's like we have a bunch of mini, beta version lives.

I'm not sure if I like this mentality.

On one hand, a nice place to sit back relax and reflect on what you've been through is essential and quite nice... however chapters seem to indicate everyone's obsession with starting over. A clean slate if you will - or if you won't, it matters not to me. I'm convinced that where our lives end up is a summation of every decision we make along the way. A book would be much less interesting to finish if none of its chapters had anything to do with each other. So, as much as we see our lives as stages, and sections, and chapters - we don't ever really start over. We only ever move on.

The human mind is kind of a neat thing.

It allows us to look back into experiences we've had AND allows us to imagine a future we've never actually experienced. This is phenomenal. In a few seconds, we can see who we used to be, be, and try and figure out how to be the person we'd like to end up being.

And every part of our lives conditions us for the next part. In all the good and bad ways.

I never get to start over, because I am built on who I used to be. And every decision I make now leads me to where I'll will be when I'm dead. Simple concept. Sounds like a Rascal Flatts song really...

But as long as I am intending on ending up in some sort of specified way. I won't ever get there relying solely on intention. If I want to be the type of person who gives a damn... then I need to start giving a damn now.

I can't just want it bad enough for it to happen.

So this is where it starts.